Co-parenting with a narcissistic ex can be emotionally draining, especially when your children start acting distant or different around you. One of the most damaging tactics narcissists use post-breakup is parental alienation.
This is a manipulative process where one parent tries to turn the children against the other parent, often to maintain control or punish their former partner. But how can you tell if this is happening or if it’s just a rough patch in your relationship with your kids?
Subtle shifts in your child’s behavior
One of the first red flags is a noticeable and unexplained change in how your child interacts with you. Maybe they used to be excited to see you, but now they seem cold, dismissive or anxious. If your child begins echoing phrases or criticisms that sound more like your ex than something they would naturally say, that’s a strong indicator of outside influence. For example, if your child suddenly accuses you of being “selfish” or “never being there for them,” despite evidence to the contrary, these words likely didn’t originally come from them.
Rewriting the past
Narcissistic alienators are skilled at manipulating perception, even rewriting history to paint you in the worst light possible. If your children begin denying happy memories or claim that you “never did anything” for them, it’s likely your ex has been feeding them a distorted narrative. This is not just lying—it’s a calculated effort to undermine your bond with your children.
Over-identification with the narcissistic parent
Another telltale sign is if your children start adopting your ex’s opinions, preferences or emotional reactions, especially regarding your divorce or past conflicts. Narcissists often try to “enlist” the children to their side, using guilt, pressure or subtle brainwashing techniques. If your child expresses loyalty toward the alienating parent to the point of demonizing you, that’s a serious red flag.
If your gut is telling you something is wrong, you’re probably right. Parental alienation by a narcissistic ex is a form of emotional abuse—not only toward you but especially toward the children. Documenting every incident, keeping communication respectful and consistent and seeking legal support are important. Rebuilding your bond with your child takes patience, love, and a steady presence—but it is possible.